Social and Emotional Competencies: Self-Awareness, Responsible Decision Making, Self-Management
Fearful? Anxious? Panicked? Sounds about right for the current state of affairs. Our brains really like novelty but not so much the uncertainty and change that comes with the novel coronavirus! We need to be very intentional about developing and practicing tools to self-regulate, be problem solvers and focus on the greater good that can come from experiences like this (if we choose to create goodness out of difficulty). Please keep your head about you. Listen, you’re the grown up with all of the perspective and tools (at least that’s how our kids see us and those are developmentally appropriate roles) and if you’re panicked, what does that mean for them? That means they should for sure fall apart if you are! In reality, our kids never need our worry energy - they need our “I believe in you and the goodness of others” energy. They need our optimism if they are struggling to find it themselves.
Here are some ways you can take care of YOU so you can show up how your kids need you to, which is centered, regulated, hopeful and connected…
Allow yourself to sit with the feelings - don’t stuff, ignore or distract yourself from them. Instead, validate the emotion (name it out loud or inside) and use your FEEL GOOD PLAN to soothe your nervous system. Everyone in your family should have one and be using it right now! Head to www.cheranderton.com/downloads to access a free PDF and video about FGP’s and how to implement them. Let’s also break down a few things that should be on everyone’s list and two things that shouldn’t be on anyone’s list…
First, everyone should have Helpful Self-talk on their list. Now, our automatic self-talk is probably not super great right now (mine’s a bit anxious at times) but our super power is to choose what self-talk we allow to take up residence on our mental space. I’m definitely not encouraging, and never have encouraged, us to think thoughts that are all rainbows and unicorns like “This is fine! Everything is going to be fine!” or “I don’t need to follow guidelines to keep myself and others safe. I’m not going to get sick!”. NOT HELPFUL. Examples of helpful self-talk might be “This is hard right now AND I will focus on controlling what I can control (thoughts, feelings, actions, THAT’S IT)” or “Hey kids, I know this is scary AND I’m here for you if you need anything. Let’s do this together and I (the parent) am doing my best to take care of you right now”. See? Realistic, validating and hopeful. Stay in that zone as much as possible with your stories/narratives/self-talk.
Deep breaths. Don’t have a breath practice yet? Now’s a great time to develop one! Our nervous systems need deep, intentional breaths to keep our brains and bodies centered and calm. Try taking deep breaths in on a 4 count and out on an 8 count and do this several times. You can also find all kinds of breathing techniques for you and your kids online (the online loophole in the no screens rule for Feel Good Plans). Having a breath practice means in the moment you are experiencing feelings like fear, anxiety, etc. you will have a tool that can engage your prefrontal cortex so your amygdala (feelings alarm and security guard of the brain) doesn’t hijack your logic and reasoning.
Movement! Our brains and bodies really need regular movement so while you may FEEL like vegging all day on the couch or sitting at a desk while you work from home you need to override that initial feeling and get those feel good chemicals of dopamine and oxytocin going. Movement will increase your productivity, good feelings and self-compassion while you move through this tricky life stuff. Hula hoop, jump rope, walk or run laps around your house, learn a new TicTok dance a day (that’s what we are doing!), head out in the open air - whatever! Just MOVE.
Two things to not have on your FGP - Screens and vices. Screens can happen sometimes but studies show our nervous systems are too active on screens and we need solid, evidence-based strategies to reduce the wear and tear on our systems right now. Screens, booze, wine, gambling, binge watching shows, etc. are not evidence-based, healthy strategies to navigate stress.
Filter what you’re taking in. Don’t keep the news on 24/7 and make sure you’re also following social media and news accounts that focus on the positive ways folks around the world are handling all of this. Don’t give into the fear-mongering and sensationalism that many news outlets capitalize on!
Get quiet so you can tune into your inner world and intuition to see what guidance is there for you to follow. Your inner voice (not your random, automatic, unhelpful self-talk. that’s your ego, not your inner voice!) will lead you to where you need to go in order to navigate this in the best possible way.
Be action oriented. When we choose to be helpers in situations like these, we are actually building our resilience and the resilience of others. Pay attention to what you can do in your community to support each other and don’t forget about small, family owned businesses that really need us right now.
Ask for help. Overwhelmed and need to tap out? REACH OUT to someone, anyone before you get to the point of falling apart. Relieve the burden on your system slowly over time instead of stuffing all of this down and then losing it on yourself or your kids, etc. There are so many helpers out there right now! Your job is to find them and connect with them even if you just thank them for being there.
Our brains automatically say “I can’t … because…”. Shut that down and get curious by asking “How can I …?” instead. You’re engaging the part of your brain (the reward centers) that get those feel good chemicals flowing (much like with movement!).
Listen to how your kids are feeling. Validate it and then ask them what they need from you right now. Encourage them to use their FGP’s. Sit with them. Hold them. Even your teens!
Keep your routines or create new ones! Kids need predictability and boundaries more than ever right now so work with them to create schedules for their current situation. Include learning, down time, movement, community action, art, etc.
Stay connected. Technology is a gift right now so use it to practice social distancing while staying connected. Zoom dance party anyone?!!!
Imagine the good that can come from a situation like this! Horrible things happen everyday and so do beautiful, magical things and that’s because folks choose to react positively and make meaning out of situations like this. Be open to the possibility that healing and growth can happen right now. Be well and take care of your mental and physical health so you model and teach your kids how to move through difficulty in the best possible way. Be real, yet optimistic. They are watching us more than they listen to us so you have to genuinely show up for them right now. If you can’t, you need to pivot real quick and get on it by practicing these strategies!