A SHIFT member brought a really valuable parenting dilemma to the group a few weeks ago: How do I give feedback to my teen with the least possibility of putting them on the defensive? Does this dilemma sound familiar? How many of us either come into conversations like this “hot” or silence ourselves/walk on eggshells to avoid the potential conflict (not actually possible by the way)? SO MANY OF US. Here’s the thing: giving and receiving feedback is ESSENTIAL to healthy relationships because we learn (and unlearn tbh) how to be better parents, partners, friends, coworkers, etc. Without feedback we are just moving through relationships in OUR way which may not be THEIR way. Navigating feedback also gives us opportunities to heal and grow parts of ourselves that show up in all kinds of wonky (yet purposeful) ways.
I also have some good news! There is ONE strategy that is the creme de la creme when it comes to giving and receiving feedback and then there are a few things that can make that one strategy even MORE successful.
So let’s set you up for success as much as possible…I say as much as possible because we can’t control the outcome of the conversations, we can only control what we think, say and do in the interaction so do your best AND let go of the rest. Try again. Have a do over. Make a repair. You’re human and so is the person you’re connecting with.
Set the picnic: Don’t surprise people with these conversations or pepper them feedback off and on throughout the day/week. Set up purposeful conversations that they are aware of the topic so they can prepare for them. If this tends to increase anxiety for some, keep the invitation as low-key as possible. “Hey, when do you have 15 minutes to talk about supporting the family team around the house?” At first, they might answer with “Never” if they are a teen but you can smirk along with them and invite them again with “I get that. But really, we can do it now or you can give me a better time to talk about this.” For partnered relationships and families, I suggest having weekly check ins where you have celebrations, calendar for the week and spend a few minutes giving and receiving feedback about whatever you put on your list to talk about.
The ONE strategy that will set you free in a lot of interactions: Begin with and maintain CURIOSITY throughout the conversation. Questions like “What do you think are the strengths in the report you wanted me to review? How can I support you during this busy week so our whole week/family doesn’t get derailed because of the stress level? Last week was really hard on all of us and I wonder if we can navigate it better together. Prepare for the conversation with notes that have potential questions. Be genuine and not condescending.
If anyone is getting dysregulated, put a pin in the conversation and say something like “Let’s come back to this when we are ready. This is important and we both need to be in the headspace for it.” Use your Feel Good Plans and return to the convo as soon as possible.
If you’re on the receiving end of the feedback, take a breath, check your self-talk and also use curiosity to your advantage - Curiosity/wonder is associated with rewards centers of our brains. Those reward centers send out all the feel good, yummy hormones/chemicals we want more of like dopamine and seratonin so you’ll be caring for your nervous system just by getting curious. You can process more of the conversation afterwards if it’s a particularly heavy topic for you. REMINDER: Someone giving you feedback about something you said/did is not feedback about who you are as a person. The generous assumption we can all give each other is that we are good humans. And the best humans say and do things or don’t say and do things that are okay sometimes.
Whether giving or receiving feedback or both, be super aware of any defense mechanisms that pop up like gaslighting, name calling, bringing up all the times THAT person said or did unkind things, etc. Again, take a breath. You’re okay.
I can’t wait to hear about your victories practicing these strategies! For the parent who expressed the dilemma in the first place, curiosity was a game changer and allowed them both to stay in connection during a difficult conversation. YAY!!