When we consider what influences how we show up as parents it’s not wonder it’s really difficult to provide a united front in our parenting. Our trauma, life experiences, attachment styles, learning styles, beliefs, SO MANY THINGS can impact our parenting and that’s just one person’s stuff. Throw in another person or more (due to divorce, blending families, etc.) and parenting together can feel like pushing a boulder up a hill.

Below I will identify a few strategies to practice AND we can’t do our parenting partner’s work for them. That’s especially true if you’re divorced. What you can do is model what you know and show curiosity towards your parenting partner’s “stuff”. If you are in the same household with your parenting partner, invite them into this space. Watch the videos together. Do the workbook together. Prioritize time once a week, even for just 20-30 minutes, to connect about your parenting. If they aren’t in the same household, see if they’d be willing to join this space to work on things together. Who knows?!

Now, let’s dive into the strategies each adult can practice and then we can go deeper in the community call…

Increase Self-Awareness around our STUFF - We can’t give what we don’t got. Sounds silly, but it’s impossible to show up for our kids with presence, understanding and curiosity if we don’t first do that for ourselves. We can ask ourselves helpful questions like “Why is this behavior triggering me?”, “Are my expectations realistic given my kiddo’s… (neurodiversity, skill level, environment, etc.)?”, “What part of me is blocking me from connecting with my kiddo?” and “What skill do I need to learn and practice so I don’t lose my shit every time my kiddo…?”.
Resources: Modules 1 and 2 in Cultivating Wellness and Modules 1 and 2 in 5 Must Have Tools In Your Parenting Toolbox.
Shift your mindset about behavior: Most parents need to understand that how we were raised (in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s) and what we know about behavior is unhelpful and even harmful when it comes to our own kids. The wooden spoon/Do as I say, not as I do/Because I said so generation had it all wrong. Misguided behavior communicates an unmet need and/or a lagging skill. It doesn’t communicate that our kids are being disrespectful, or doing it on purpose (because kids do well if they CAN) or any other story we might have in our heads. In order to shift behavior we need to focus on skill building so kids can learn to get their needs met in more helpful, relational ways.
Resources: Module 2, 5 and 6 in Cultivating Wellness and Module 2 in 5 Must Have Tools…
Discuss common goals/strengths and build from there - We call this a strengths-based perspective in therapy land. We often pay too much attention to where we don’t align and that ends up being an energy vampire. When we focus on where we connect and agree, we can build from there. When we do that, we feel energized, connected and that translates into our parenting. Sit down with your parenting partner, if possible, and go through the Welcome video in 5 Must Have Tools. In that section of the course, you will come across the Gifts/Challenges activity which can help you gain understanding about each other’s goals. You’ll probably find you have more in common than you think! Then, discuss the ways each of you are supporting your kiddos in skill building to develop these characteristics/traits and where you can do a bit more skill building.
Share the burden: If possible, each parent needs to share the burden of developing the skills/mindsets to parent with compassion and structure. It’s confusing for kids to experience such differing skill sets and if that can be avoided, that’s more helpful for them and you. If it can’t be avoided due to divorce, separation, etc. then know that whatever level of coherence you can provide in your parenting, that will be good enough! It is what it is and we do our absolute best. That’s the energy the kids will pick up on versus endlessly feeling like we messed up and they will be messed up because their parents aren’t on the same page. This leads me to the last strategy…
Be self-compassionate and compassionate towards your co-parent: Parenting is so hard. It’s triggering and we get invitation after invitation to level up our healing and growth. This is very uncomfortable at times and yet, we make it more uncomfortable by beating ourselves up over and over again or focusing on the deficits in the other person. Also energy vampires. We can intentionally notice each other’s effort, even in the teeny tiniest of ways, and celebrate that effort.

This is not an exhaustive list! I’m excited to connect with you more in person, in the community calls to unpack this even more.