This is an updated version of a post from 2019 and as with anything social and emotional intelligence, it’s still very relevant!
It seems like EVERYONE I know is in a major life transition of some sort. Relationship-wise, work-wise, parenting-wise, all the “wises”. I’m one of those people (anyone else out there?) that loves change, even as it taps everything I’ve got in me to navigate it. When I look back at the changes in my life over the past two years, even though none of them have been easy, they’ve all been worth it. Not because everything is now awesome but I’ve learned, grown, stretched and most importantly, loved. Here are some of the changes I’ve experienced: Launching my two oldest kids, mental health issues, a pandemic as a parent/therapist/human, creating a business, dissolving a business, location change, relationships beginning and ending, relationships ending and beginning again, honing in on the favorite parts of my work and developing those further (Hello SHIFT Online Community!) and much, much more. AND, in the next two years I’ll be launching my last two kiddos! Wild and crazy times over here. What about you? What have you navigated as a human in the past few years?
My comfort zone is being S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D as all of ours have been and it can take it’s toll if we aren’t equipped mentally to handle it. Here’s a breakdown of what I’ve been practicing (it’s a practice folks!) so I didn’t lose my f#%king mind during the changes:
Using my Feel Good Plan/Bliss List/Whatever You Want To Call It. Please tell me you’ve made one and you’re practicing it too! Maybe you haven’t because you think it’s silly or that you don’t need a “list” but I promise if you suspend disbelief, you will be pleasantly surprised by how helpful it is. Resource: See Module 1 of 5 Must Have Tools In Your Parenting Toolbox and Module 2 of Cultivating Wellness.
Checking my narratives - This is part of my FGP but I’m calling it out specifically because I can attest to the fact that at least 50% of my emotional discomfort stems from the old/unhelpful narratives that pop up. I’ve done a lot of work around rewiring my brain but when I’m under stress, the old stuff can show up. I view these experiences as invitations to heal and rewire some more and I don’t get down about it. Resource: Both online courses
Build my capacity for holding space for the world we live in: The other 50% of my discomfort often comes from what folks experience in this life and through historical, racial and intergenerational trauma. We have a tendency to stick our heads in the sand about these things for different reasons but the more we learn and unlearn, the more we understand our place in the world and how we can do less harm to others and ourselves. Resources: My courses offer foundational social and emotional skills to be able to lean into (if you don’t have the skills/capacity yet) books/light workers such as My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem, anything Ijeoma Oluo, Ibram X. Kendi and so many more folks you can exchange energy with (aka pay) so you can build your self and social awareness.
Asking for HELP. Folks, this is a hard one for me because I feel pretty capable and productive and all the things most of the time. And if I don’t, I often muscle my way through it. I don’t recommend it. But no longer! I reached out a few years ago and found a therapist for myself (therapists need therapists!) and I’m checking in with my partner and friends and am getting even more support there. Here’s the thing, some of the changes we may be experiencing have to do with losing a relationship/person or multiples of those things. I get that. We can experience a lot of grief as a result of those losses. I call this the stripping down/rock bottom space which is hella uncomfortable to say the least. Also, very sacred because you’re at the spot where you get to build, from the ground up, your own social support system (yay for Bumble BFF) over time and create the relationships you truly deserve with your newly healed and grown self. Pretty amazing to be able to live a life within a life, relationship-wise.
Giving myself an extra dose, or two or three, of self-compassion. I’ve dropped balls, I’ve cried, I’ve felt uncomfortable more than usual and I know I need extra love in those times, not shame and guilt.
So here is your gentle reminder to be kind to yourself during phases of life that are FULL. Also, a reminder that you can choose to pay attention to the wonderful things happening at the same time as the tough stuff. You can choose to be miserable when your comfort zone is being stretched or you can choose to make the best of it. Both the messy and beautiful life stuff are always happening at the same time.