In the past few weeks in our weekly community coaching call we discussed a range of topics that related to a range of ages - modeling and teaching personal body safety, how to guide your kids towards completing tasks (chores, etc.) and supporting routine transitions (before and after school, etc.). We cover a lot of ground in those calls and I can’t wait to connect with you in that space! Another topic that came up is teen behavior that can feel well, uncomfortable to say the least. Infuriating to say the most!

Phew. Just saying the words TEEN or ADOLESCENT can send shivers down our spines. I get it! I was SUPER fun as a teenager. Mental health issues. Social concerns. Tricky home stuff. All kinds of things swirling around that brain and body of mine and very few skills to navigate it all.

Fast forward a decade and a half and I was entering into the world of raising my own teens! How could that be?!! At this point, my kids are 22, almost 21, 18 and 16 and I have a whole new perspective on that stage of development. I LOVE teens. Give me all the teens! If only we could bottle their passion and energy (sometimes) and if we could, we could solve the world’s problems. Here are a few things we know about teens at this point in time:

Teen brains are pruning away any neural connections they don’t use anymore. We gain TRILLIONS of neural connections by the time we reach adolescence but by that time we don’t use them all. In order to be the most efficient it can be, the brain prunes away wiring it no longer uses. Use it or lose it as they say!
Because of where the brain is in development, most of the energy is in the limbic system or “feelings” brain. That’s why teens feel things so intensely! Remember, we feel things in our bodies and feelings go a long way to dictate our behavior so…
Did you know that we have enough electrical activity in our brain to power a lightbulb! That being said, In FMRI scans of the adolescent brain, there is very little electrical activity in the Prefrontal Cortex or “thinking” brain. That’s why a lot of teen behavior can be very perplexing. Our once super neat, organized and social kiddo can turn into a morose, messy and anti-social teen. Scary, right?
We know so much more about teens than ever so definitely lean into resources like podcasts and books AND the SHIFT Online Community. My favorite books are Brainstorm by Dr. Siegel and Out of Control by Dr. Shefali. Also, anything Positive Discipline is fantastic.
We often want to control more of what our kids say and do at this age yet that only creates disconnection and often power struggles too. I encourage you to pause, ask yourself helpful questions like “Is my intense reaction more about me and my “stuff” or is it truly about what my teen just said/did?” and “How can I consistently provide support for my kids but not micromanage all the things?”.

Don’t you wish we knew all of these things back when we were parented? What a game changer understanding basic child development and neuroscience concepts would have been! If that strikes a chord, i highly recommend you give yourself some love. If you weren’t raised by self-aware and self-managed parents then your teen years were probably more difficult than they needed to be.

Teens have incredible capacity to do good things in the world and we want to do everything we can to help them channel their energy in helpful directions. This does not mean we tell them what to do and when but that we collaborate with them to move them closer and closer to THEIR goals. We are the guardrails but give them a four lane highway to experience the world. We need to take a lot of deep breaths and use a TON of helpful self talk to do this. And we might need to get our own healing and growth work going to be able to show up this way.

Friends, being a teen is tough. Parenting and caregiving teens is tough. I hope you practice a lot of self-compassion so you have lots to give your kids who are navigating an unprecedented amount of challenges and need safe, calm, supportive adults guiding them through it. We can do this together! I love to help parents and caregivers of kids distill all of that information floating around and share how to actually put it all into practice. It’s literally my FAVORITE thing to do. Parenting and caring for kids in any way is such an incredibly important job and literally determines our future. Are we raising joyful, connected, socially and emotionally skilled kids who will do great things in their communities and the world? YES WE ARE.

So take care of those teens of yours and give them a hug or a high five for being who they are. They deserve it and so do you!

NEED MORE SUPPORT WITH THE KIDS IN YOUR LIFE? I’D LOVE TO SEE YOU IN THE SHIFT ONLINE COMMUNITY WHICH IS FOR GRANDPARENTS, CAREGIVERS, EDUCATORS, AUNTIES, UNCLES AND PARENTS! It’s super affordable at $19 a month! PLEASE SHARE WITH ANYONE AND EVERYONE ABOUT THIS RESOURCE! YOU NEVER KNOW WHO REALLY NEEDS IT!

Take care of you!