This past week in our community call we discussed supporting our kids through anxiety and I’d like to share a few thoughts with you about anxiety. Years ago, I had a client share an experience where she created a Feel Good Plan (see Module 1 of the course!) for a wedding she was attending. She experiences social anxiety and decided she would be really intentional about caring for her nervous system in that setting and it went BEAUTIFULLY for her. We celebrated lots of victories around that event and since then, I’ve highly encouraged folks to be intentional about setting ourselves up for success for specific interactions and settings (like school for our kiddos). Here are some things to keep in mind…

Anxiety is a symptom and we want to get curious about what might be underneath it. Is your child highly sensitive or an empath? Is your child an introvert who’s bucket get severely dipped in when around lots of people? Does your child need more skills to manage the uncomfortable feelings in their body? It’s helpful when we can get as much information about our child’s nervous system so we can coach them in how to care for it.
We each have our secret sauce for feeling good. This is something I talk about a lot on all of the platforms (here, in my courses, on social, etc.) because the world tells us that we need to look/act a certain way and that is just not true. What we really need to do is try out things to think, say and do to feel good most of the time (aka our Feel Good Plan or FGP from Module 1) and figure out what we need to move through the world in the best way for each of us.
That secret sauce aka Feel Good Plan can be a huge part of setting your child up for success in all kinds of settings. For example, say your child is invited to a birthday party and at first they are so excited to go but as it draws closer, they are saying they don’t want to because they feel anxious about it. Here is where we want to guide them to create a Feel Good Plan for the specific event/setting. We can ask questions like “I see there is a part of you that doesn’t want to go to the party. Is there a part or a few parts that really does want to go?”. If yes, ask your child what would make the experience feel the best it can? Do they want to go to the party for the first 30 minutes when things are more chill? Can they take bathroom breaks where they practice helpful self-talk and deep breaths to manage their nervous system? What can they do before and after the party to give their nervous system a break?
One caution: An option always is to not go; however I suggest you be very choosey about how often you do that because research shows that when we remove challenges in any form from our children, it actually sends the message that they can’t handle something. This can actually grow their anxiety or other issues, which is the opposite effect we want to have as parents.
We can hold space for our kid’s challenges at the same time we don’t revolve our whole world around their anxiety. Meaning, kids (and adults!) will often try to manage their anxiety/discomfort by controlling everyone else’s experience. This is an unhelpful dynamic and doesn’t support your child in building the skills they need to navigate the world. This is a collaboration between all members of the family who are involved in that event/interaction. Everyone has a voice in determining how to individually and collectively be set up for success.
Practice, practice, practice! Meet your children where they are. Put time limits on events so you leave BEFORE they lose it. This might mean a shorter school day at the beginning of the year or swimming for 30-40 minutes instead of staying all afternoon. Be clear about the progression that is desired so their comfort zones are being stretched and their confidence grows.
Be compassionate towards yourself and your child! This takes time and effort AND both of those will definitely pay off over time.